Monday's Miraculous Absurdities: Now Climate Change is Making You Fat
Hey, we all need an excuse for gettin’ fat, don’t we? I know I sure do. I am the very model of responsible eating, heavy daily exercise (all those trips to the fridge do count, don’t they?) and will power, so my problem can’t be any of those things fer sure.
No, I’m fat - or let’s just call it pleasingly plump for now - not because of any laziness, over-indulgence or discipline problem. There must be some third party factor at play, right?
Right, and any ol’ third party factor will do as far as I’m concerned.
Welp, the folks at CBS News gave me the most glorious excuse imaginable over the weekend. You’ll never guess what it is - or maybe you will:
I’m fat because climate change! My kids are fat because climate change! We’re all fat because climate change, folks! Isn’t that just too awesome for words?
And hell, why not? After all, these intrepid climate change “scientists” have spent the last 30 years dummying up their “studies” to blame pretty much every other problem known to mankind, from wars to illegal immigration to Trump to the heartbreak of psoriasis to Excedrin headache #43 on the dreaded climate change.
It long ago got to the point where it became obvious that these “scientists” want us to believe that he evil, catch-all “climate change” is in fact some all-seeing, all-knowing and all-causing pagan deity. So why not blame our fatness on it, too?
It’s perfect. Literally perfect.
I don’t know about any of the rest of y’all, but I’m about to go out and get me a double-meat, double-cheese Whataburger with an extra-large order of fries and a banana pudding milkshake, and when my little wifey asks me about why I’m trying to give myself another heart attack, I’m just planning to reply:
“Because climate change, honey. Don’t you know anything?”
You seriously just could never make this stuff up, folks. Don’t even try.
That is all.
For the love of Pete. These folks that came up with this study have to have poop for brains and you along with them if you believe them. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. All you need do is look in my den and observe all the grand kids on the couch with their phones and tablets which we did have as kids. We went out to play cause there wasn't much to do in the house. Afterall the TV only had three channels.